When life throws you a curve ball, AGAIN…

I have been quiet, because I’m in a weird place right now. You see, my mom, who’s had Alzheimer’s for about 10-12 years now, is in the hospital. Her lungs filled with, probably related to her feeding tube, and the fluid keeps building despite the hospital’s best care. They put her on Morphene yesterday and have continued it, to ease her discomfort.

On Monday night, we were informed that anyone who wanted to see her, SHOULD, right away. Essentially, we are waiting for her to pass.

I don’t know how to feel right now.

My aunt came in like she owned the joint, pulled out her holy oil, laid hands on her, spoke in tongues and called out to my Mom to call on Jesus. At one point she said, “Kitty, call on JESUS!” And at the name, my mom’s eyes flew open.

I haven’t seen my mom’s eyes in 2 years, but I swear I saw a moment of surprise at one point as she looked at me. Recognition? Maybe not, but I can say that for me, it is.

I’m in limbo. I can’t work properly, and I certainly can’t NOT work. Do I plan for the holidays? Is that wrong? Is it wrong to celebrate? I don’t feel like celebrating at all, because this death is slow and painful, like drowning, I guess. If she were gone, I could feel a sigh of relief that she is no longer suffering, that she is with God in heaven or on to her next life.

UPDATE: Moving on with my life today.  I know this is painful, but it’s weird too, which is worse, maybe?  But treating life normal feels good right now, and is helping me move past things.  Work is getting done, kids are being taken care of, and I have enough fodder to write daily for the rest of the year.  Wish me luck.