Finding a Space for Me
Ok, so I’m going to admit something: I was a terrible mommy this week.
If I’m going to be gut-wrenchingly truthful, I was a crummy mommy for most of 2010. Mostly what I remember of the last 5 weeks is lots of insane screaming, and melting into the floor in a puddle of tears.
And, oh yea, the pity parties. I can’t even count how many of these I had.
Several doses of Joyce Meyer, prayer and a terribly cutting remark from my husband later, I regained my composure…just in time for some bad news. So now is the time to take stock of this year so far (yes, this early), and see what’s been good… and why:
- Two hugely fantastic opportunities came my way. I lost one and basically acted as if the Titanic sunk. That was not my planned reaction. It’s time to get back to the idea that I was good enough to get as far as I did, and to embrace the opp I’m currently in the midst of.
- I hooked up with someone who may be the answer to all my dreams of helping others. We shall see.
- After 2-3 months of pure torture trying to fix an error, my children both have a support person who started this weekend. Thank you God!
- I wrapped a very satisfied client.
- I have health insurance again.
- More opportunities are opening around me.
- Story ideas and creative designs are still filling my head.
- Found a new church that may be just what I need.
So, the long and the short of it is that is all is well, and all will be well.
And in fact, by yesterday I realized that all the yelling was never, ever going to help. So I stopped. I don’t know if it was me, or if it was more a God-thing. And it was hard. There was wall climbing. There was “can’t turn my back even to pee” bad behavior. There was disrespect, and crying, and yelling – but not from me.
There was peace. No TV. Punishments were taken, toys were pulled out and played with, messes were cleaned up. The hours between 4:15 (quittin’ time) and husband’s arrival home (6 or so) have been traumatic and painful, but today and yesterday they were just fine.
It’s so refreshing to come across a mom that’s honest about her struggles. We all have them, some just don’t admit it. Thank you for being so real. It’s been a blessing to me.
.-= Dana at The Mom-tage´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.
Thank you Dana! Blogging about it has brought me sanity. If I can help someone else, that’s just icing on my cake. I’m glad you get something from all this. The loneliness can be grueling, even if you’re not a special needs parent.
OMG….Are you living my life or what? Although I don’t yell as much as you do, I am 38 now and realized pretty early on that when I yell at my kids all it does is frighten them, and trust me sometimes I really really want them to be scared of me. Especially when I am having one of those days you mentioned, when you can’t even turn around and pee. When my son was about 4,not 13, I remember loosing it with him because he had an accident in his big boy undies and I went crazy, didn’t hit him or anything like that, but I was screaming at him like a psycho woman, and I remember getting this thought in my head, which I swear was from God…and I heard, all you are doing is breaking his spirit and who he is. From that day forward I made it a point to check my emotions at the door when handling any situation with my kids. I think we sometimes let our experiences as children and the current life situations affect us in being good parents. I think I am a great mom, I try and do all the things one is supposed to do for their children, warm, caring, sensitive and attuned to their needs. But I think when we are lacking those things in our lives, it makes it really hard to do those things without resenting having to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t just go through the motions of doing those things, I love my children and wold walk the ends of the world for them, but I know when all my needs aren’t being met,being with my husband or with friends and family, it sometimes plays out in other ways. So I have to always be aware of my emotions before I react. Something so trivial like sneaking a piece of candy, can trigger some other emotions, like me not having control. So don’t feel like you are a terrible mother, all our intentions are good, I think? But we all just have to be aware of the reasons why we do the thing we do. Thank you for being so truthful, like you said, I think there are more of us, people just don’t want to admit it.
Hi mombond! Yikes, you made me feel bad about all the yelling! I remember years & years of not yelling and then it seemed like I woke up one day and went, how did I get here? I have a natural tendency to high emotions and overreaction – they’ve served me well as a writer, but they are the devil to my parenting!
I agree – we have to be aware of our motives and reasons for our bad behavior, and we have to find a time out for ourselves. Because I’m a high emotion person, I have to constantly be on the watch for my behavior. Vitriole is my human-preferred response & release, but finding a calm way out is always better even to how I feel. Thanks, and I hope you’ll stick around for more!
I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about the screaming, I am totally guilty of doing it too! I was just trying to explain how I get control of it, before I get out of control. I will stay tunned in, it’s great to find a place where I can express my feelings and I am not the only person in the world who feels this way. Keep it up!
No worries! I shouldn’t yell at them, so no bad feelings. It’s wrong of me, as it was wrong of me to “expect” certain things from my kids at certain times.