Epiphany?

This week “off” was tough and involved more work than play, but now that Monday is over too, I feel like “safe!” Rather than blog about my awesome T-day, my grueling work week, my bitching new glasses, or the bargains I made on Friday, I had a conversation with my husband that blew all other topics away.

He had been watching “Golden Compass“, to see what all the fuss was about, and while he’d not finished it, he didn’t find anything really suspect up to the point he had seen. I mentioned some things he might look for, things like hierarchies that resembled church structures, or symbols that might represent hypocrisy, and then we talked about ourselves briefly and he said, “And you’re agnostic…”

I would have fallen out of the seat had I not been sitting in a CAR.

Agnostic?? Is that how he sees me?

Man, am I in trouble. With God, that is.

I thought long and deep about this, our discussion on film long forgotten, and stuttered and stammered as I tried to explain that was not true. I do have a lot of doubts, probably always will. I believe the further along you go on your spiritual path, the more doubts you’ll have, because the questions will get deeper and the answers will be fewer and farther between. The problem is that I verbalize my doubts. I do this because the easiest way for me to get to a solution or at least find peace about my issues is by talking it out, either internally, on paper, on my blog, or aloud. And the person I talk to the most is my husband.

But amidst those doubts, I’ve found a safe, if not comfortable or perfectly secure, place for my faith, and it is a faith I believe I have to define for myself with, of course, God’s guidance. This does not make it easy.

However, I am appalled that I gave anyone suspicion that I question the existence of God. In fact, except for a few short weeks in my late 20s, I have never doubted His existence. It’s the definition of that existence that I have battled with, and probably will continue to battle.

I have no doubt this is part of the spiritual walk, but I must do better. I was listening to this sermon on spending time where and in the order it matters most, and I’ve been spending it wrong. Internally, I’ve got a decent spiritual walk, but between my behavior, my mixed-up priorities, and my lack of God-glow, I’ve gotten my externals all wrong.

And that has sent the wrong message to one of the people I want MOST to find God.

This then is my epiphany. I’ve been all about me, me, me, even in terms of God, and less about how can I show Him to others. Believe it or not, God is my center and the giver of everything I have. I’d be lost without my God and miserable.

And now, you know too!