How to Talk to the Parent of a Special Needs Child
by admin on November 16, 2009
in autism spectrum disorder, disability, down syndrome
Yesterday I went to a church I’ve been courting and during the greeting time, I was speaking to a couple about my children. The wife asked what their special needs were, and I described them.
Their reaction was odd: they were sorry. I was caught off-guard, I admit, because I’ve never had this reaction. These were most likely college educated professionals, and friendly Christians as well, which confounded me even more. I wondered why it bothered me so much and during the service I realized why. “I’m sorry” is what you’d say or how you’d react to a parent who’s lost their child.
I haven’t lost them. Sure, it didn’t turn out like I expected, but what parent can’t say that?
I saw from this experience how much I’ve grown in almost 7 years. My reaction then would have been to commiserate or take on the “poor me” victim stance. A few years later, I would have been downright angry. Now, I feel like this is an opportunity to teach others. This couple wasn’t bad or wrong or condescending. It’s just that no one has taught them how to act in this uncomfortable (for them) situation.
Readers, I’m not saying that my journey as a parent hasn’t been rough or even pure hell at times. I’m sure parenting in general is like that, but children, I believe, are a treasure, and mine, well, I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
So if you do not have special needs children and you meet someone who does, smile and show them that they are just as blessed with their children as you are. I’m not sorry about my kids, and you shouldn’t be either. God made them as they are meant to be, and they are a perfect fit for my husband and I.
That’s it! Don’t say things like “oh children with Down syndrome are so sweet” or “how do you communicate with your daughter who has autism”? Those are stereotypes and don’t always apply. If you met me, you could be honest and say, “What would you tell a parent who’s never met a child with special needs?” You can ask how old they are, are they in school, and what they are like. You can ask how they are doing.
In short, treat us like you would any other parents. I firmly believe that we each get the children we need, and our children get the parents they need, and that children are always a blessing, even when you can’t see it.
For additional reading, check out “What to Say When Your Friend’s Baby has Down Syndrome“, should you come across this situation for a new baby.
i am madly in love with this post!!! i have 4 girlies, 2 of them have some special needs. i love what you said…how much you’ve grown in the past years. i understand what you mean there! i am so glad i came over via twitter. adding you to my blogroll for sure!
danyele @ a thorn among roses´s last blog ..not me monday
Thank you Danyele! You’re on my blogroll too. It’s certainly been a journey and I would not now trade for the world…there was a time I would have. Isn’t it nice to grow up?
A great post! Thanks so much for sharing!!!
Toni´s last blog ..Traditions and Family
http://carrigansjoy.blogspot.com/2009/11/great-postmom-to-mom.html
Toni´s last blog ..A Great Post…Mom to Mom
Love this post! So very, very true! I agree with you, you have your kids. This is definitely a teaching opportunity.
Sara Broers´s last blog ..H1N1 Vaccine Craziness!
Thank you Sara! Wish I had time to teach those people, but it was mid-service, so not a chance, lol!
Thank you, and how awesome that you blogged about me!! I appreciate your support!
I’m glad you posted this. It’s nice to know how to address a parent with children with special needs and that they don’t feel they have been given a bad hand and we should not feel this way for them either. I had an uncle who was classifed as “mentally retarded” and I hated that phrase. He didn’t have Down’s or autism so this is what class he fell under. However, he lived on his own with minimal help to make sure he took his medication properly, cooked for himself, cleaned for himself (although he wasn’t a very good housekeeper by choice, lol), rode a bicycle, and cut grass and bushes and shoveled snow to make extra money. He was known throughout town and loved by many. Sure, he couldn’t read and couldn’t write words but he knew his letters and he had street smarts. He recently passed away this year and you wouldn’t believe the people who paid their respect to him.
Hi Angela, you’re welcome! I hate that phrase too – a lot of people do and there’s a movement to eliminate it. I think it comes down to what people’s standards are of a valuable life. For example, I’ve heard beautiful stories of people who have had Trisomy 18 – most do not survive to one year. For me, I could not keep a baby like that, I think it would be too much suffering. But I don’t see suffering when I look at people with Down syndrome. Frankly, I see so much JOY. Your uncle may not have the standard that we’ve come to expect from someone we claim is “successful”, but that in no way does not mean he didn’t have a rich, contented, full life and from your description of his funeral, he enriched others as well. That’s a standard I can accept for any child. I’m sorry for your loss, Angela.
Thanks for this great post!
You’re welcome!