Love, Marriage, and all that Good(?) Stuff
I’ve had marriage* on the mind lately. I recently found out that two friends of mine are getting divorces. One of those spouses is on her second marriage, so are many of my close friends.
On top of this, there are no end to the ugly statistics like 80% of married couples that have a child with autism get divorced, and those numbers go up for multiple special needs children. Or, that yet another casualty of our failing economy are marriages, with money still topping as the #1 factor in divorce.
And yet, I’m not worried. Chris and I have been living together since 1992, and we married in 1998. We have suffered multiple illnesses, particularly a stroke that nearly killed me, 2 high risk pregnancies, 2 miscarriages, 2 special needs children, job loss, debt, no insurance, relocation, deaths, family squabbles – and yet, I feel that we are stronger than ever.
So I have to ask myself: Why do we have such a good marriage, especially when we don’t do these things that are “recommended”, like weekly family meetings, retreats, going through a relationship book together, etc.? I have some ideas:
- Respect. It really bothers me that some people think the Bible says that women want love, while men want respect. Actually, scratch that, it burns me because I really want to be respected by the people who love me. I’ve been loved by lots of dear, well-meaning people who had little to ZERO respect for me. Chris completely respects me, and I respect him, no matter what faults he has. (None of them are all that bad, frankly.) Never, ever say something bad about your spouse to others either, that’s critical. Total, mutual respect is essential in the marriage, because without that you can’t have…
- Communication. By “communication” I mean you can have differences without a screaming match or thrown objects and hurt feelings. This took a long time for us, as I’m a highly volatile woman (or rather, used to be) and it was a steep learning curve. Sure, we argue but we talk and more often than not, listen to each other.
- Lighten up. It’s a marriage, a union where 2 people come together to make a better life. Stop stressing over every moment who forgot to do what chore, or the bills you can’t make magically disappear, or the fact that when one of you commutes, coming-home-time can be ugly. Make time for fun, inside or outside. Make time without the kids, too, every week, even if you just put on a video for them and snag some “alone” time. Remember that your partner does not (and should not) define you, nor should your marriage define you. You find a piece for yourself, but make sure your spouse has a piece for him- or herself too. And one more thing..
- About the whole Christian “submission” thing: I’ve blogged about this before. This little piece of Biblical scripture (“wives submit to your husband”) is argued, debated and, I would venture to say, hated by every straight wife out there. Get over it. Men and women are slightly different, and if your guy needs to feel like the king when he’s at home, what’s the big deal? Around here, I get treated like a queen, so why not? In fact, the more respect I give him (see the first bullet), the more I get from him. If it still bothers you, do some research about the psychological and historical factors behind a man’s need to provide to get some clarity. (I’m such a geek, stuff like this always helps me!)
Bottom line? Put yourself first, and your partner a VERY close second. Be considerate, respectful, and thoughtful. If you’re going to do something, will it be something your spouse hates? Do you really need this thing? If so, can you position or compromise it so that he or she benefits somehow too?
Share your tips for a better union in the comments!
I thought I left a comment, guess not. I think it’s so interesting how so many can have different thoughts that ultimately lead to the same conclusion. I won’t put myself first, but after my spouse, just as he puts me before him. But that’s what works for us.
Sheri´s last blog ..Wifey Wednesday
I think you have some very solid ground rules for a long happy marriage. I too do not feel worried at all with mine to Fran. We are very stable. No matter what issues come up that we might argue over, no matter what, we know that we never want to be apart, so it’s not even a consideration. There are a few more things that I think are very important.
Forgiveness. Oh yes, even down to the smallest issues, like the balled up paper towels my husband likes to leave all over the house. They end up everywhere. I chuckle over them at this point, and sometimes throw them at him (why not…they are already to fly) but most of the time; I just throw them away instead. I know there are tons of things that I do that annoys him, petty small things that alot of people make the choice to argue over. The preverbal toothpaste cap can cause alot of problems, if you choose to let it. I choose not to. So does Fran.
Competition- or there lack of. Your marriage is not a competition. There is no list making. “Well, you did this, this and this so I get to do this, this and this”. There is no competition when it comes to money, who makes more, therefore should have more privileges in the marriage. If you love your spouse, money doesn’t matter. It all goes into one pot to be doled out as need be. And there is no competition when it comes to children- “You love the baby more than me…”
One other thing that I really think is behind a lot of these marriages. We are a nation of excess and want. A lot of women (a few that I know too…) that want to get married for the wrong reasons. They want the big wedding, the want the big Tiffany ring; they want white dress and all the attention. They will do anything for that ring, including accepting the wrong person for them, contorting their own personalities to their mates so they can get that big ultimate goal. What they are left with is a disaster. All the pretty expensive stuff that makes the outsider believes they are successful in their lives, but it’s really all a front. No matter what luxuries you surround yourself in; a marriage to the wrong person will not last. Period. I know someone right now who is doing all those things. Knowing she is trying so hard to marry a person that is so wrong for her. She is destined for divorce before she is even engaged. She is not willing to wait any longer for the right person.
Very sad.
Obviously you got me onto a rant. So sorry!! Lol.
I completely agree, with everything. A great statment about the meaning and commitment of marriage. If you dont mind, I’d like to link this post on my blog. I think more people should take a look at this and really consider how they interact within their own relationships.
Toni´s last blog ..Medela Breast Pump Review
Hi Sheri, well, when I say “put myself first” I really mean take care of myself. If you put others first – even your husband – in front of getting enough rest, exercise, & nutrition, and even for your faith & mental well-being, you won’t be very good for him or your kids. It’s not so much a “Me first!!” as a “My physical -spiritual-mental health first”. My mistake, I should have been clearer!
Hey Ginger, great reminders! I found, though, that by doing the other things, the forgiveness came. The more I bitched about our personal habits problem (OK, the toilet seat was a BIGGIE), the more I lost (he left the seat up ALL the time). I worked HARD to shut my mouth because I was physically unable to address the issue without sounding like a nag (respect). Eventually I even stopped grumbling about it. Now the seat is down even MORE than before I complained and keeping quiet was the reason.
A bit competition problem is “who does more?” I’m reading a book about this. I think an issue is that guys think, “I’m the major breadwinner and I do the heavy lifting”, but if we made a real list it would be terribly unequal. This too, though, is something that gets better when I complain less and respect more. So RESPECT for me cover a lot of ground.
Hm, marrying for the wrong reason. I actually may have. Not that there wasn’t love but and we compatibility, it was more of a timing thing and I did push the issue after not wanting to marry for a long time (because he’s much younger than me). I was going after a sense of security, but by then, we’d been through quite a lot anyway.
Hi Toni, welcome to Mom-Blog. I’m glad you enjoy this post – feel free to link it and blog about the topic too! Thank you!
I meant the wrong reason, I meant getting married to put on the show or keep up with friends who are already settled. I see alot of young girls doing that. Scary. I think alot of the things come hand in hand. With one you get another.
Surprising to still see so much of that going on! As far as we come, there’s still more to go…
Last week my husband and I were contacted by a new non-profit organization, HOPE. Their mission is to give parents with special needs children a night at the movies, dinner or for us – we received a free hotel night at Myrtle Beach (no strings attached). It was all quite sudden and ended up on my birthday! Anyway, I am getting my thoughts together to write about it, but too busy eating cake and brushing off the sand…it was a wonderful and spontaneous break that we needed, but would have never taken without it being presented to us.
Vanessa, how wonderful!! I’d like to hear more about this organization, it’d be a great resource for my readers – and myself, lol!! Thank you for sharing, sounds like you had a wonderful time, great for you.