“This Sucks”, and the Bad Mommy Blues..

It was “one of those days”. The sun refused to shine, and maybe I had not had enough sleep or allergies kicked in or whatever, but I woke up down and out.  I rarely do depression anymore, so it was hard to sit at work so off-kilter. We still have more than a week for school left for both kids, but they are DONE with being couped up. (Yea so am I!)

Work was hard, freelancing was hard, but I managed those, and then I got out of work and put Zoe, who may have an urinary tract infection, in the tub. (No car, no doctor, c’est la vie.)   She had a blast and I let Amelia mind turn to mush with TV.  We’re in the home stretch of summer, good luck getting work done!

I’m relaxing, still down, and for NO REASON that I can see, Zoe lets loose with a 45 minute tantrum- a real doozy, headbanger type of deal.  I did my level best to do everything I could to calm her, to no avail.  At the end of this, she was doing a “I’m ok, but can scream when I like!” deal, and I was reduced to a mass of jello sitting on the floor crying my ass off with “why me?”, “I’m being punished”, and “I’m to blame for her autism”.

Well, so much for spiritual optimism and my hope’s in God.  I sat there, and I KNEW this was a “what about me?” moment.  Ok, who’m I kidding? It was a “what about me” hour night!

Today I turned on Joyce Meyer and got an earful of how we choose our feelings and don’t give into the negative thoughts or lies from the dark side.  (Surely, “I gave my daughter autism” is a lie, right?  And, “Her condition is my punishment for something” is actually hubris, isn’t it?)

So, no sympathy for me, just an epic, painful fail of a night. I’m not bitter today; it happened. It will, I guess, from time to time, but it’s made me think: Do I really still consider this a punishment for something in my life?  Not on the surface, and not even below the surface, but way, deep down in my heart, do I feel like the cause of my kids’ disabilities?  Maybe I do.

As I plod this course of deep – DEEP self-improvement, the inner me might get a little scary.  How hard do we, any of us, look at what’s really beneath the surface?  And what do we do with the ugly when we find it?

Split / Focus

This is an issue I come to over and over.  I’ve always had something of a split focus, figuring out where I live professionally, and how to balance that as a writer.

However, 7.75 years in, I realize now that I have another split: parenting.  Today, for example, was filled with taking the girls to their evaluation for therapeutic services, which was preceded by a flurry of phone calls, questions, and general information sharing and followed by a stack of paperwork to sign.  Schools starts in 2 weeks for Amelia and 3 weeks for Zoe and decisions still need to be made – some that we just found out about today.  Zoe also needs to go to speech therapy, I’ve been on the waiting list since January or so, and just landed a spot for her so that’s on the to do list as well. AND I’d love to sign the kids up for soccer, so there’s that. Geez, I’m tired just reading this.

I’ll be thrilled when it’s September 15th.

Anyway, there don’t seem to be enough hours in a day EVEN if I completely coordinate them just so, and let God lead, and do the right thing. Really, because life happens – like a dishwasher broken by hard water – so we have to get a water softener and a dishwasher.  THAT means at least a half an hour of dish washing a day.  Ugh.

This is to say that I’d really like to write and do some design, and still get in my paying work (that last one is a joke,  paying work is just fine).  It’s the stuff I’d really enjoy that I don’t get to do much of.  Surely there’s a solution for this??

I’m thinking I have another candidate for my “F” word series: “focus”!

So, do you have time to focus on things you like to do, or make a living doing what you love?  Or is focus a battle for you too? Share your stories.

A Few F-Words: Foundational things

A few days ago, I snagged your attention by letting fly a few “F” words: Fearless, Foxy, Fabulous. Since then, I’ve decided that every Friday, I’m going to blog about an “F” word that has changed my life…and can, maybe, change yours.

Before I get started though, I thought I’d take this First Friday to review some foundational things, like why I’m really doing this, and the Really Big F Word in my life.

Starting out, just know that I love my blog.  It’s gotten me through some exceptionally difficult times and it’s allowed me to make friends that I don’t know how I’d manage without.  It’s a pleasure whenever I fire up Wordpress, because it’s the only time I can write, straight from the heart, mostly uncensored (I’m pretty family-friendly here), reach out to you.

I’m at this point in my life, I think I mentioned before, where God is pushing me into the deep end. I don’t just want to go deep spiritually or professionally. I want to create a new me, one that is in sync with what I was meant to be, and I want to help you get to the place you need to be, too.

We all know motherhood is hard, and special needs mothering is really hard, and being a working mom or a volunteer mom is hard…anything that adds on another hat onto the ridiculously important task of raising a decent human. But we women are experts at multitasking and, like that video I shared on Facebook this week, we put ourselves last.

Part of this is about accountability. I’d really like for us to journey together to get out of the mommy-slump – that feeling of being overwhelmed, tired, and “haven’t gotten a manicure in forever”.  When we get up and and work on ourselves, we give our child the gift of finding value in themselves on their own and teach them that Mommy is a person too.

And that brings me to the last “F” word for today: Faith.  I am now completely convinced not only of my faith as a Christian, but that what God wants for us is wonderful things.  I believe that He wants us to be the fabulous, foxy, fearless creatures he made women to be.  That is the real foundation of my F-word Series.  I’m convinced (convicted?) that “shlumpy” is not a word in God’s vocabulary and  that overwhelm is a disease we’ve created for ourselves, but that we moms are meant to believe that we are  just as fabulous as we already think our kiddoes are.

Challenge: I invite you to share this journey with me, and share your own journey in the comments from schlumpy to fabulous, if that’s where you are at.  Been there, done that? Share tips for the rest of us! I’m talking mostly about internal things, but I’ll also be talking about food, affordable clothing, and just enough glamor to keep up with that scary f-word, foxy.

PS, this isn’t easy for me, by the way. I work from home and mani-pedi’s cost a fortune out here, but I am determined. Last weekend, I broke my toe, so a trip to Kohl’s was out of the question. I still managed to look fabulous for my anniversary – comfy Teva’s and crappy wardrobe notwithstanding!

A couple of F words and my quest for a better life

In case you didn’t catch it, I mentioned “fearlessness” in my last post.  I have decided that Mom-Blog needs to go somewhere new.  In fact, God is heavily leading me somewhere new on a daily basis.  I am clearly on a road less traveled, but there is more to do.

Frankly, what I’m in now is a crucible stage. I mentioned before how hard things are, but I’m learning that most of this is about control and how little we have compared to how much we THINK we have.  A lot of us know we can’t control certain things: how long it takes to board our plane, what the driver in front of us will do, what careers our kids choose.  But there are so many other things we can’t control, either: when someone we love can’t see the solution to an issue when it’s so clear to us, when our child has to learn & relearn a lesson so often before it clicks, what will people think of you…I could go on and on.

In fact, I’d venture to say that there’s almost nothing we can control, except our thoughts and actions in any given moment.

This weekend, I suffered a stupendous, middle of the night fall, cracking my skull open on the floor.  I waited to go to the doctor, then waited on CAT scan results, prepared to meet my Maker.  (I had a stroke in ‘99, so it’s not safe.)  It turned out all was well, but I was at peace with any result personally.  Life is life, eh?  And this physical one isn’t eternal (no matter how much we adore vampires…)

That said, I’ve come to the realization that I don’t have to be overweight with flabby arms, or be a screaming harpy in front of  my kids, or debate my husband.  I don’t have to fall on my sword of “Oh my God! I’m a special needs parent!” or my age or my dissatisfaction with anything in life that I’m…dissatisfied with.  (Nor am I upset that I ended that  sentence with a preposition.)

With that said, Mom-Blog is starting a new adventure.  Redesign will be on hold for a little while but I’ve already conceptualized a tiny (and way cool) bit of my redesign. I’ve already begun losing my fear and owning my foxiness, such as it is.  As I look at the big 4-5 coming in a few months, I realize that I’m exactly where I need to be, picking up speed on my marvelous journey. I’m not going to wait for that to begin this journey. As of today I will embrace capriciousness, live to the fullest, and diary my journey, from frustrated, fatigued, and fed up to fearless, foxy, and fabulous.  In other words, how to find groovy, affordable ways get from this:

Much Better NOW

OK, so you know how things are darkest before the dawn? That seems to be what’s happening to me now. The sun has risen and I feel so much better.  Maybe giving into several months of overwork and overwhelm required not just a fallow period to follow, but also a period of mourning.  I’ve let go my nonsense.  I’ve cleansed my mind from negativity, guilt, depression, and low self-esteem.

The fact is that while my design skills are not where I want them to be yet, there are people who really like them and would pay for them.  The more I do, the better I get, the more I attract.

And last night I had a really cool revelation.  I offered to help someone out because we could use the extra cash and I don’t want to lie completely fallow.  It turns out that doing this pretty simple project lifted a big weight off her shoulders.  And that’s when the lightbulb went off.

What I want to do, really really want to do, is help others.  And I mean that professionally.  I want to be the service provider who lifts weight off of people’s shoulders.  I want to have clients who sleep well at night because I’m on the case.

I want to help with my writing too and that’s why my next 2 writing projects will focus on, well, you – a romance and a devotional, geared to interest the very people who read my blog.  No, I’m not selling out – I actually really love my 2 writing ideas, I’m just a little jammed up on getting started.

So the doors have begun to open in several places for my professional life, and soon they will on my writing life – my next focus.  The girls are ok too. Yep, there is still way too much misbehavior but there is some progress. Amelia seems to helping more. There was a poop or two found in the potty yesterday – I’m hoping it was hers.    And she is mastering “Green Eggs and Ham”.Zoe woke up and said “Good Morning!” over and over. That’s a new phrase!  Returning to at least a nighttime routine has done them a world of good.

The lesson learned: resilience, prayer, and patience do work to do the trick when you’re stuck.  That, and lots and lots of time…

A Time of Selah

“Selah” is a biblical term.  It’s used in Psalms, between verses, on it’s own with a period.  (Or at least that’s how it’s translated.)  I read some time back that no one is certain what it means, but they believe it’s a musical pause between verses.  Christians at large accept it to be a metaphor for “break” (We were on a BREAK! Woops, sorry

If you look at it that way, as my pastor said this week, I’m in a time of selah.  I needed a break, a pause, a time to regenerate, recuperate.  In June, I couldn’t understand why I was so lost.  Nothing was coming.  My creativity was on vacation and it didn’t invite me.  The Muse had LEFT the building.

Then work SLOOOOOOWED down, and prospects thinned, and Chris went back to work, and school ended, and I was befuddled.  After all, I’m very much a Type A Mommy-Worker-Entrepreneur-Wife-Writer.  I have to be doing, all the time, something interesting. The boredom disintegrated into demotivation, the books I was reading didn’t move me, and all seemed at a FULL STOP.

So what has happened in this time of Selah?  Not much, really, until this week:

Kids:

• Amelia pooped in the potty TONIGHT first time of her own volition.
• Zoe peed in the potty for the new sitter, yay!  Also her own volition.
• Zoe understood for the first time that poop doesn’t belong on stuff, rather it needs to be in the diaper or potty. (Don’t ask.)

Me:

• I figured out my unique selling point, my niche, a way to make it work without hiring anyone, and a perfect setup for my new business, which works on way too many levels to be coincidence.
• I got back on Twitter and good stuff flowed from there (more another day).
• My creativity started to flow again.
• I am learning a lot and amping up my skill set.

That’s it for now.  I have blog posts due, and I feel bad for them being late, but being short on help this week has WIPED me out, so has sleeping poorly.  (Hm, not a problem when I journaled, need to get back to that!)  Good stuff going on all around.

How about you?  Have you ever had a time of emptiness, a long flat valley, a period of Selah, that ended in a great result? Share your stories in the comments!  Note that I moderate comments for newcomers.

Stay tuned! Reviews and giveaways are on the horizon!

Back Down to Earth…

I’ve been doing pretty well lately, in the Mom Arena.  You’ll recall that earlier this month I posted about melting down with the kids, and I have slid a few times since then. I decided a few things:

1. to give it all to God
2. to pray a WHOLE lot more
3. to do what all the support staff and therapists and a few very loving mom friends have advised

It has not gotten less hectic, but I am better equipped to deal with things.  For example, on Thursday I rediscovered the “joy” of holding and redirecting (over & over) my girl Zoe when she is melting down.  It took about 20 or more minutes and wiped me out, but it was worth it.  Today I employed the technique over a non-autism tantrum, this being the “I want the damn cookies NOW!” tantrum.

It eventually ended and I got back to work.  It’s extremely hard to work with these kind of disturbances, but you play the hand you’re dealt. Right now, I’m totally ok with it.

All this listening to the solid, experienced advice and prayer worked in my favor.  A comment was made by one person to another that would have set me screaming in the past.  (Or probably in January.)  It had to do with Amelia and school, and I weathered it. I’ve considered it and realized that the person made a statement without having enough judgment or experience with the situation to determine and thusly, I led it slide since it will in no way affect my child.

In fact, Amelia is doing very well in school!  Just wonderfully.  She got her quarterly report and improved in a few areas, as well as her enthusiasm and joy at being in school makes her teacher smile daily.  How awesome is that?  We are making strides on counting, sight words are her favorite activity, and she is reading with me at night.

Zoe, too, is making speech progress, almost stringing words together and making some progress in drawing, which is a biggie.  Yay!  Now if we could just get the dog to STOP pooping on the new carpets, life would be grand, lol…

Looking forward to 2010!

Well, it’s taken me 5 days to write this post, but I’m really looking forward to this year! Someone surprised me with a beautiful journal this Christmas and I decided to make it a type of “bucket list” journal.

You see, I don’t do resolutions, however, I do have some touchpoints that I’ve had on my mind as things I’d like to remember, to wit:

1. less complaining, more resolutions. Seriously, whether it’s work or the kids or my sinuses, whining is unpleasant, bothers people and is just bad karma, bad form, and bad for your soul. So this year, even if I have complained, I’ve tried to stop it. It’s hard – Twitter is such a wonderful complain forum – but it must be done.

2. making comments and detailing a bad day is complaining. Yea, I get caught up in the “definition” of what it means to complain, I’m sorry to say…

3. don’t overthink generosity. Just do it.

That’s it, 3 simple ways I’d like to live this year.  Plus I’d like to take some chances, do something I’ve never considered before.

What are your plans for 2010?

Once in a Blue Moon

Did you know that tonight is a blue moon?  Last time a blue moon shined over New Year’s Eve was back in 1990.  So here we are, on the eve of a New Year, with a blue moon overhead…it can only mean one thing: do something different.

2010 is the year to step out of your box, do something daring, wild, and uncomfortable that you’ve desired your whole life.

I don’t have a list yet, but I’d like to learn to swim, bike ride and highway drive.  I’d like to meet someone famous (to my standards anyway) and move them.  I’d like to plan a trip to a writer’s conference far away.

What about you? What “out of the blue” thing will you do in 2010?

2009 Post Mortem

I’ve been around the blogosphere over the last week and several news sites, and everywhere I look it’s as if people are excited and thrilled to discuss what a crappy year 2009 was.

And while I’m not in complete disagreement over that, I am personally seeing this year as a period of growth, opportunity and abundance, even though what we’ve gained has only come through loss.

Politically, I’ve matured. You probably know I’m a liberal so this year has been greatly disappointing to me in numerous ways, but at least a healthcare bill is being passed now that will eliminate pre-existing conditions, and while other parts of it may not be strong, that is something.

In retrospect, I’ve learned many unpleasant things about politics and that makes that one of the things I’d like to increase my activity in next year.

2009 was difficult financially, but I’ve learned to trust God more and trust in my own skill.  I have to say that I’ve come out of this year feeling like a professional more than I ever have before and confident in both web design and writing.  I’ve grown so much in my own self-esteem that I’m walking out of that low pricing, “do for free” box that so many women entrepreneurs that I know find themselves in.  I’ve got mad web skills, don’t you know?  (Just ask me to debug IE6, because I can-ha!  Bill Gates, do your worst.)

In addition, while I’ve not yet completed my novel, it’s coming along just fine. I will be setting deadlines for wrapping and pitching, and I want to get started by spring on my next novel (an intelligent, historical romance).  This means I’ll be reading some good stuff.  It’ll be set in England and The New World, so we’re looking at the mid- to late-1700s. I’m totally thrilled by this one.

I have two more novel ideas following that, and a great non-fiction idea, which I hope to get into an ebook teaser for you to download.

What else came from 2009?  A very important lesson – that we have so much.  Yes, here, now, today, in America, we still have so much. We may need to still fight for liberties or decent education for our kids, but take a look at any 3rd world nation and think of what we do have.  If you pass on, your kids will likely be provided for and not have to be sold into slavery or pick garbage for a living.  If you have a roof over your head, it’s probably not made of cardboard.  And if your dinner pickings are slim, at least you have dinner.

That said, I’m focusing 2009 on giving.  I’m looking into churches that will force me to be involved.  I’m looking for outreach wherever I can find, and I’m trying to give in the little ways too.  I don’t know about this, but I will try.

Looking back, it’s been a year of personal, spiritual, and professional growth that has outstripped the  past.  I’m getting better with age.  I still need some balance, and I want to put health and diet up on the board as critical too. Tomorrow I’m going to spend some time goal-setting for 2010.  BRING IT ON.

And if you think this was a crappy decade, well, not for me!  In the last decade, I healed from a stroke, had 2 beautiful kids, celebrated my 10 year wedding anniversary, bought 2 homes, made some amazing friends, reconnected with old friends, made money off my writing, wrote a novel, started a business, and launched the #1 ranking mom blog. Not. too. shabby.

Share your stories: have you found abundance in this economic wilderness?  Did you get back to simplicity, God, family?  Was your decade filled with some good things? Shine a light in the dark and share.

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