Review & Giveaway: “Your Family Constitution” by Scott Gale

CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR WINNERS, ANGIE OF ANNIE’S HOME AND MAIA LEDOUX!  THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO ENTERED!

Ever have a fight or argument with your kids that’s so bad you think it can’t be fixed?  Ever have a day where the divide gets bigger, and the behaviors get worse, but you don’t know how to fix it?

That’s what happened one Mother’s Day weekend in 2007 to the Gale family.  A non-compliant 9 year old sparked Scott Gale into an argument, words exchanged that were not good, and a fun family outing was ruined.

Mr. Gale didn’t leave it there, though.  He knew that he couldn’t go on this way with his children; it was pushing them apart.  Aware of how little time he had left before his eldest son became a teen, he did something about it.

After reading lots of parenting books and guides, he stumbled upon an idea after playing fantasy football.  He was reading his league’s constitution – a document designed to remove “confusion and emotion from the decision-making process” – and it hit him!  What his family needed was a constitution of its own!  (See? All the time your hubby spends doing that is not necessarily wasted!)

In “Your Family Constitution: A Modern Approach to Family Values and Household Structure,” Mr. Gale guides you step-by-step through his failed attempts, earliest successes, and the entire process by which his family designed its constitution and how they manage it through the year.  What I got out of it was a lot of practical advice, in terms of:

• How to calmly and thoughtfully plan disciplines and rewards that allow children to blossom.
• Ideas for structures (the constitution, meeting) to keep the rules up-to-date and fair.
• Strategies for eliminating tension, arguments, and day-to-day stress.

I really enjoyed this book and, like I said, easy read – large print, lots of heading, cartoons salted throughout.  This is a great read, and very guy-friendly too.

That leads me to this week’s giveaway! After sending a review copy, Mr. Gale kindly offered to send 2 copies of “Your Family Constitution” to two lucky winners.   Here are the rules:

To enter, you must leave a comment with your email no later than midnight, Eastern Standard Time on Monday, 11/23/09.

For additional entries, you may do any of the following AND comment what you did:

• Retweet for ONE additional entry. (Please provide your tweet link!)
• Subscribe (new subscribers only) for ONE additional entry.
• Blog about this contest for ONE additional entry.
• Get a friend to enter for TWO additional entries.  (Please let us know who your friend is in comments).

Good luck!  I look forward to seeing your entries and hearing your thoughts on this book!

Book Review: “Don’t Swear with your Mouth Full!” by Cary S. Chugh, Ph.D

I received this book at the beginning of the summer, while life was somewhat laid back, and before all the tension of extended school, new school, meetings, IEPs, and more work than I’ve had in a summer season. Without further ado, allow to review “Don’t Swear with Your Mouth Full! When conventional discipline fails unconventional children.” The I read the subtitle, I thought, Wow, that applies to my household!

I have good children, but their behavior breaks down when I’m home alone with them.  In the crazy time between work and dinner, behaviors ramp up as I try to find time to unwind, clean up, and start dinner so I was eager to this book. It explores, in great deal, conventional discipline techniques, particularly time outs, and why they might not be working on your child.  In the past, a few minutes in the corner made her contrite and she would not repeat the behavior the rest of the night or maybe even for a week or two.

Since the summer, she’s been pushing boundaries and time out’s are increasingly ineffective.  Just last week she put herself in a time out to escape real discipline. Enter Dr. Chugh’s book.  It introduces the idea of using an unpleasant discipline so that the child will remember and avoid it.  Back in the day, when you messed up you got put to work: hard, awful work, just like the scene in “Little Mermaid 2”, when the king makes Ariel clean all the barnacles off of, well, half the sea floor it seems.

A key element of this punishment, however, is that it must relate to the “crime”, and it is also critical that your child feel like they can control their time out length. The best punishment I could think of was to make Amelia understand was to clean the playroom, which is usually a disaster. Amelia has been hitting, and at first, I was stumped by how to make two seemingly disparate things connected, until a week ago. She was in a “I don’t wanna” mood.  The family room and playroom lay in ruins, the sink was full of dishes, and I had  to cook.  I needed help – and there was only one person around to do that.  After a few attempts to bribe Amelia into cleaning up toys, I threatened a time out, with a countdown.  When I got to “3”, approaching her to lead her into time out, she landed a firm “smack!” on my arm.   I marched her directly into the corner, and rather than set a timer or keep her there indefinitely, I told her, “If you clean the family room and toy room, you can come out.  Otherwise, stay in the corner.”  This was appropriate because she hit me because she was disobeying my order to clean her toys, and because she was in control of when and how the punishment ended. After a few minutes, I asked her if she wanted to come out.  She nodded as I reminded her what she had to do.  She got up and went into the playroom as I supervised her clean up.

Success!  While I still have a lot of disciplining choices to make, I recommend this book to parents. Not only does Dr. Chugh explore the techniques of disciplines and come up with new, helpful ideas, he also offer suggestions for corrections, tips for talking to your child about discipline, and specific ideas for toddlers and teens. Take your time in reading it and digest it, then come up with a plan that works for your child.  Dr. Chugh very kindly answered some of my questions personally, and you can visit his site as well at www.carychugh.com.

First issue of prejudice??

Yesterday was awful. The teacher’s assistant at daycare told me Zoe climbed the fence twice. Then the director came up to me and said the same thing. The thing you need to know about the daycare director is that even when things go WELL, she looks like she just ate something that made her sick that she believes could be poisonous. Seriously. I don’t know if she has anxiety disorder or an ulcer or what, but she gives off SO DAMN MUCH negative energy I can’t even stand to be around her. You know people like this? I’m married to an anxious person, but it’s nothing like what this woman is like. So I came home and told Chris. He said,

“Ok, so in a playground full of kids, our kid climbed the fence.”

“Right.”

“You’re telling me, that she climbed the fence.”

“Yes, she could have fallen.”

“From climbing the fence?”

“Yes.”

Pause. “So what?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t kids climb fences???”

Boom. It hit me. Duh. Yea, what’s the big deal if she climbs a fence? No, it’s not safe, but there are kids climbing everywhere. Why the EXTRA concern with Zoe?? She almost fell – isn’t it their job to watch and make sure none of the kids get hurt?

Have I just run into my first case of prejudice against my kid?? Look, I’m not saying Zoe is easy, but she’s NOT stupid. She can’t communicate well, but believe me she understands “no”. One of my huge difficulties is trying to figure out discipline she will understand at her level. This was ALSO extremely hard on me when Amelia was a tot, I have no idea how to properly discipline if taking away toys, getting sent to bed, or time outs are not at my disposal. (Let’s not discuss hitting/spanking, ok?)

The daycare knows she understands, but I still get, “when are we getting the TSS???” with all the anxiety the director can possibly muster. (Is this a manipulation technique?) These things take time – it took like 4 months just to get a formal eval just to get MA just to find a TSS just to be told I need another EVAL!! Augh!!!

OK. There is nothing God gives me I can’t handle. Add to this, that this morning and yesterday morning were PURE hell with Amelia returning to daycare. Just thinking about it gives me the willies. I’m exhausted all the time, I’m unfocused on my writing and I’m falling apart a little bit. I need a vacation FROM my kids.

AND they need to get in bed earlier, by 8pm the latest. They are way too…UGH in the morning. It’s killing me. They need tighter boundaries too. And of course, they also need prep for school. It’s just too much on me. I am doing my best, but I’m thinking that maybe I need to find another daycare provider, just because I can’t even stand to see the director. Do NOT ask what she pulled on me the day before vacation. Or is it just the same everywhere??

Progress and Delay

It was an interesting weekend, and wonderful in many aspects, but tonight I’m blogging about my journey to develop myself into a writer which, interestingly enough, also melds with my spiritual develop. I shall explain.

I’m taking a workshop and it’s been difficult to do the assignments – the magic just doesn’t COME like it used to. It’s challenging, too, to write in other people’s voices and “not worry about your own”. REALLY HARD, and to boot, of the 6 or so people in my workshop, I’d say I rank SIXTH in talent. I cannot tell you how painful that is, but I do believe it is due to a long, continued lack of practice rather than NOT having the Gift.

I’m also delving into an old copy of “The Right to Write”, by Julia Cameron, of “The Artist’s Way” fame. I never really got into the book, but I thought it would help. I’m also studying Christianity on a deeper level and following up with “A New Earth”, which is really a great book in what it says.

This seems to be conflicting because “Earth” challenges us to STOP naming things, to lose words, Christianity is very much based on the Truth of the Word (which, honestly, I don’t buy anyway), and of course the tools of my trade are words. Then tonight in Ch.2 of “Right to Write”, Cameron talks about letting go of the ego, the I, of TRYING to write. This is, of course, what Tolle has been writing in “New Earth. In fact, I tried it last night at one point – to let go the ego and I found I really could listen.

This requires GREAT hard work, but it’s all coming together synergistically. And it’s true – the best writing comes WHEN YOU LET IT COME, instead of chasing it down.

It’s spring, and I’m like a flower blooming before your very eyes, lolollolol…

Books referenced in this post:

I am thankful for…

I’m too too critical, which is bad because I can’t STAND critical people. The last 24 hours have been very good, and here’s what I’m thankful for:

1. the teacher at daycare that I can’t stand ACTUALLY taught Amelia something. Last night after she finished what she ate, she went into the kitchen, pointed at her toothbrush and said, “Brushing teeth?” I thanked the teacher this morning.

2. fruit saves the day! The kids have not been eating well – Amelia must have lost 5 lbs since she’s been sick. Last night, after a dinner Amelia barely ate, I pulled out the blueberries and walnuts and oranges. Zoe ate one fruit, Amelia ate the other and the walnuts. THAT LED TO:

3. Amelia ASKING to take her sinus medication, vitamin and her dose of honey too. Zoe also had a vitamin. All this LED TO:

4. breakfast being eaten!! By Amelia, anyway. She had Ovaltine chocolate milk and healthy grain English muffin with healthy peanut butter. Yay!

5. more organized mornings. I’m actually getting in one of Zoe’s therapies the last few days, which REALLY helps me at night.

6. videos. I’ve made a discovery: if I pop in a short movie when they get home from daycare (after giving Zoe therapy), I can ACTUALLY MAKE DINNER EARLY. Wow!! They don’t watch all day, and frankly, they barely get to the end before wanting to play or an afternoon snack, so ZERO guilt.

7. Amelia’s health. A return to preschool, yay! It’s been 2 weeks, but her teacher called to tell me she did wonderfully and that they missed her.

8. Amelia is growing up. She is becoming a VERY good little girl. After a backlash of misbehavior, she is now being an angel unless you’re touching her hair or happen to be our cat (LOL).

9. music toys: Picked up a bells/tambourine pack this weekend at Target’s, and now we do daily parades. Kids LOVE IT, and we bond. I try to get them to “stop” on cue, and it’s starting to work. Yahoo!!

There are issues, but I’m feeling empowered by all this-like I can actually work potty training in the schedule. One issue: Amelia wants to go home every morning at daycare. On Tuesday, she was sick and threw up and I put her coat right back on – now, everyday, she takes off her coat and then puts it right back on. It’s pretty funny, actually, if it weren’t so sad that she doesn’t want to stay. But Zoe I feel is thriving there, and I’m stuck for options, and I can’t quit my job now, so I’m just praying through it.

All seems well, but I’m suddenly suffering from insomnia AGAIN. Maybe it’s because I just found out that Dad, like his dad before him, has Parkinson’s. (Boy we hit the genetic crap shoot, didn’t we??? At least we inherited good TEETH, LOL!) Maybe this spiritual overhaul I’m going through. Who knows?

Life’s too short to worry about it, and SPRING, GLORIOUS SPRING, is just around the corner. Peace out, people.

Mommy’s Tired

Well, it’s been a rough couple of days of parenting.  After suffering from a major brain stupidity cloud, I realized that I had NOT put my signed part of Amelia’s IEP in the bag before she got sick.  Teacher had sent me a mailer and I thought it was something else.

DUH.

Yesterday was the crowning piece.  Someone left the 2nd outdoor gate open at the daycare and Amelia TOOK OFF INTO THE PARKING LOT.  Oh God.  I honestly wish I felt remorse for the screaming banchi I turned into after that, but my heart beats fast just thinking about it.  The daycare is off an exit off a tiny expressway – but still.  Poor Zoe I nearly dragged across the lot to catch her.  Even when Amelia is ahead, she ALWAYS go right to the car – but she saw her advantage and took it.

I had a talk with Hubby.  I hate to be Militant Mom, but I’ve enforced a one-time policy.  Do it once, get a warning, even LOOK you’re doing it again, get a time out and IF you won’t go to timeout you go DIRECTLY to bed, screw the baths or dinner.   I did that all night long over everything.  It’s NOT that I care about this or that, juice in the living room or whatever, is that she MUST learn to do what I say.

Not sure how to get from here to absolute obedience but I have to try.

This morning was awful too.  Kids were really out of it.  Zoe’s been tantruming, but I’m starting to think at least some of them are “I want my way” and not “why don’t you understand me?”

Sometimes I think, “this is the hard part of parenting” and then I remember, it’s all hard parts.    Worth it, yes, but I can’t remember the last bit of parenting that was easy on me.  Sigh…but God, I do love them.  I could spend all night squeezing and hugging, doubly so now that I’m working.  The ball and chain of guilt keeps coming down on me, and also missing Zoe’s days and nights.  Perhaps that’s why she’s so needy at night for me, she misses me during the day.  Cause I sure miss them.  FT parenting at home is hard, but FT work is too.  Who knew?

Discipline is Hard

Yesterday was a wild challenge with Amelia. A food challenge, of course. It was dinner time and I KNOW she was hungry as she was asking for cheese and PBJ sandwiches. I made chicken, rice and applesauce.

I had a coupon for an ice cream shop too. Since it was the Friday after payday, I thought it might be fun to try the new place, especially since Chris and I can’t stand Rita’s, and Friendly’s discontinued my favorite ice cream (and for all money, they could put more than a teeny dollup of syrup on our sundaes).

The plan was ice cream after dinner. As usual, Zoe chomped down her meat, then took a taste of the rice and devoured that. She had some healthy applesauce earlier so I was satisfied.

Amelia, however, did not want her dinner. She wanted something ELSE. At the risk of destroying her eating habits, I made the executive decision sometime back that dinner is dinner. I won’t cook stuff they hate, but I’m not a restaurant either. My mother didn’t do this – God bless her – she DID cook 3 meals for her fussy family, but I don’t have the strength, energy or budget to do that.

We tried everything, but the food just sat in front of Amelia growing cold, then icy. We told her that she could not have any ice cream otherwise. Now I KNOW she understands the if/or argument because I use it daily to enforce time outs.

After 40 or so minutes of sitting there, we got the kids together and headed for the shop. We were terrified what kind of meltdown would be facing when we gave Zoe ice cream but Amelia none. We had 2 for one sundae coupons, and I was delighted to find that they stock the discontinued Friendly’s flavor. cool…

Well, we sat down with our 2 sundaes, and I gave probably a third of mine to Zoe. Chris made me sit next to Amelia (chicken!) and it took a WHILE for her to request some ice cream. I said “No. No dinner, no ice cream.”  (Which always make think, “If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat??!!??!!”)

She made a mild fuss but no the meltdown we expected.  I feel this was a mixed blessing.  She’d have remembered a bad scene, but I didn’t want to see her go through that pain.

Back in the car she asked for ice cream, but we just reminded her she couldn’t.  She was actually more upset that time, but I don’t know what long-lasting effect will have – other than I feel like a better parent.

Bad Mommy Days

I’m thinking that you’re thinking after yesterday’s post, that all is well and good with parenting and me.

Not so.

In fact, it’s been VERY difficult lately.  Usually I turn to God and prayer for help, but it seems the more I do the further I get from doing good with my kids.  I’m too exhausted to set schedules, and continually put Amelia on the potty.  I’m too frazzled from occasional 30 minutes screaming fits (like today) from Zoe that I just can’t solve, and don’t know if they are real pain or manipulation.  I’m too impatient to do anything but act like a crazy screaming you-know-what when Amelia overturns the laundry that took me 30 minutes to fold, after taking 45 minutes to sew her pants (because I suck at sewing).

Most of the day I feel just FINE, like all is right in the world, things are good, I’m filled with gratitude and then BAM!  One little thing goes wrong and it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back…and I didn’t even know the camel was hurting.  I don’t get it.

What I do get is that a much-needed vacation is coming up.  I cannot even properly relate the stress of the relocation, working without childcare, two mortgages as NO ONE has even visited our old home all spring, a huge pile of bills, and all the crud that’s breaking in our new home.  Add to that finding a new church, losing old friends, no time for anything, and something like the Atlantic Ocean has grown between me and my once so-close sister, and it’s too stressful and painful to navigate in my exhausted state.

You can comment, but I’m going PC-less…won’t be back for almost a week to moderate or respond.

Oh yea, and say a prayer for me, because we’re vacationing with Supermom, who always has such “good advice” to make me feel even more like crap about my parenting.

peace out…

Catching Up

OK, so I’ve got this great new blog and nothing to show for it, in terms of entries! I’m sorry. It’s been difficult, I don’t even really care for the design but haven’t been able to put one together for myself yet.

It’s been really tough lately. Amelia who is now 4.5, is acting up a lot. I get very discouraged because I feel like I’m to blame for things like say her propensity to scream “Jesus Christ” when things are working (yea I’m a great Christian), or to lose her temper over nothing, or to get incredibly frustrated. I actually caught myself wondering how I destroyed my peaceful little child …

But then I remembered that she hasn’t been peaceful for probably 2.5 years now, and then I realized that at least SOME of this is her growing up and testing ME. Yes, her displays are her mimicking my own bad behavior, but the more I slack the more she pushes. Discipline is SO hard for me but I know it’s absolutely required to make her into a good person. It’s all (or mostly) on me, and it’s hard, hard work. Today I started laying down the first time outs for screaming and doing all I can to calm down as well. I’ve started again with the “Praying Parent” book by Stormie Omartian, I hope it helps me. I’m trying to quell this river of rage that wells up inside me as I repeat and repeat AND REPEAT things to Amelia that she needs to do (but doesn’t “feel” like it) and get her to do them without, well, freaking out. Now my mother’s horrible attitude makes sense, I can hear myself saying (and sometimes only THINKING) the same awful things she said to me, at least I know why. I sometimes have a strong urge to blame the Down syndrome, but she’ll often do things I request that she WANTS to do, so I don’t think it’s that.

Meanwhile, honorable daughter #2 has mastered the fine art of the tantrum. I DO realize this is part and parcel of being Kid#2, although I’m sure I dote on her more than I ever doted on Amelia. (Amelia was SO independent so early and while she was SUPER lovey dovey, she also went and did what she wanted rather than hug mommy). As soon as Zoe doesn’t get her way (what? no 2nd cookie? what? I can’t grab that knife? oh no you DIDN’T just put me down, did you, Mommy??), it’s major melt down, slam the head on the floor. She did this on the deck yesterday and realized that wood deck paneling is far more painful than a carpeted living room floor.

So I’ve been very tired lately.  Don’t even ask about what ELSE is going on, little catastrophes everywhere, but grace is all around me too, so I’m ok.  I’m not the best mommy ever but I’m far from the worst and getting better all the time.

Learning: Discipline, Spanking and the Preschooler

In case you’ve all forgotten, this IS a blog on parenting, and I’ve
been wanting to share some things I’ve learned about discipline and the
energetic three year old. It’s a good thing I DIDN’T, because
I’ve learned even more since I wanted to blog about spanking, and even
more since I decided to share some firsthand experiences. In
fact, I discovered a 4 part formula that worked – with a lot of effort
and patience – like a charm.

Amelia of late has become EXTREMELY difficult to discipline.
I’ve been losing my mind. My mother in law was here almost
nonstop for several months since Labor Day, but three weeks ago I
needed her to leave and I don’t want her back yet. (I think the
feeling’s mutual. She is a great help, and I think being here is
good for her soul, and surely mine, but she is a terrible houseguest in
terms of things like messiness and I like having my house back.)

Since then, I’ve been alone parenting for several hours a day and it
has NOT been easy. I thank God that Zoe cannot walk yet, well,
sort of. Actually, the discipline issues started our weekend in
New York. Two girls couped up in a hotel room is VERY difficult
and I had to find a time out corner. Before I did, though, I
caved and did the thing I am TOTALLY against: I spanked her.

OK, don’t go all nuts on me. I’ve read the research but I have
all these church friends who swear by spanking. (Ew.) Nice,
gentle, kindly people and I wonder what on EARTH they are
thinking. Then I was stuck in that hotel room, with baby death
traps all around me, a youngster destroying the 5 star hotel quilts,
and no where to run. So I pulled down her pants and smacked her
bottom HARD. It felt ICKY.

And it backfired. She registered momentary shock, and then let
out a slap fight the likes of which I’d never seen before, and let me
tell you folks, my precious angel can SLAP. I learned my lesson,
but still had no idea where to time out her in a hotel room! Then
I discovered a space between one of the beds and the corner…too small
for me but loads of room for Amelia. Of course, she instantly ran
out, so I put her back in with 3 pillows behind her. She did her
time there. Cruel? Oh, please. The pillows only came
up to her butt, she was fine and could have crawled over them, but she
got the point.

Back home, things got WORSE. Zoe is crawling around like a
nut, there are a million things I have to pull from her hands, from
toys Amelia has brought out to the cat, to stuff I didn’t see dropped
on the floor, to stuff I forgot about because I am so hectic. I’m
ashamed to say I was a screaming mess and by the end of the week, I
(sadly and stupidly) resorted to the spanking thing again, which again
backfired. Augh!

1. Step Back and Observe

I was losing it. My husband, saint that he is, started seeing
the light of how troubled I was and was so kind to me when he came
home. I went deep, deep into prayer about the issue. I
started to observe Amelia more intensely. I noticed pretty
quickly that her animosity towards her sister was growing and when I
was available she was BEGGING me to do stuff. I thought I’d been
playing with her but now I saw the crux of the issue:

2. Give Attention When Needed

I know she needed it, but Zoe is still at the pick me up age and
has been sick lately, so she gets more coddling, and Amelia is fed
up. So I honed in on spending more quality time with Mels, and
explaining why I needed to do whatever for Zoe when she needed me.

Things got better but it wasn’t enough. Then, Monday night at
church I went to a devotional on gentleness. I know we have to be
gentle with our kids, but I go crazy when Amelia hurts me…and she
really HURTS. She gave me such a nasty bite last week that 2 days
later someone asked me what was wrong with my arm. Granted, I was
trying to clean her eyes at the time, but still.

What I learned is that gentleness is about NOT complaining, about
quietly accepting even the bad stuff. Now when I am grumpy, I
tend to howl. Amelia has picked up this horrible habit. So
with great attention and much prayer today I did this:

3. Shut Up and Be Gentle

I did scream once, but it wasn’t an easy day, so I’m going to
forgive myself. In fact, I had wanted to scream 100 more times
but didn’t. Know what? It made a HUGE difference. By
the end of the day, Amelia was not happy about it, but going directly
to her time outs. Which brings me to part 3 of my formula:

4. Consistency!

Every child rearing book out there will tell you to be consistent
with discipline. What they DON’T tell you is that consistency
means UBER-CONSISTENCY. So if Amelia so much as raises her hand
to me, that’s a warning. Then if she hits, or does that thing
where she’s pretending to play but is really hitting me (like an
intentionally too hard high five): time out. If she is playing
with me and gets carried away with the smacking: time out. If she
is trying to get my attention by tapping my leg while my hands are full
of chicken guts and it turns to smacking: time out.

THIS is what consistency means, and it IS HARD.

There you have it. Amelia, in a matter of just a few days, is
starting to listen. She’s starting to do what I tell her.
She’s starting to calm down. My loving little baby is coming back
to me. And oh, how sweet she is