Well, we sold the dog last night.Â We didn’t nearly recoup our costs but it’s fine.Â This lady came to our house and, despite that I thought she was having second thoughts, IMMEDIATELY fell in love with Buster, who immediately fell in love right back with her.Â Perhaps every dog has its perfect owner out there somewhere??Â Not sure.
This was not the dog for us.Â That’s all I can say.Â I don’t think Chris is even disappointed, he wasn’t playful, excited, happy, just mostly nervous and he didn’t really like the kids too much.Â IF we do this again, ever, (and there are a lot of contingencies before that can happen) we now know to meet the dog in person first.Â Period.
Today I did a great thing.Â I cleaned out all the stuff I SHOULD have cleaned out before I moved.Â It IS true that I did throw out TONS of stuff – like notebooks I’ve collected with bad BAD writing and morning pages since 1987. Â I think some were from early to mid-80s too.Â I took about 15 with me.Â Today I tossed all of them but FOUR.Â I AM sentimenal, so I did keep some things from my youth, but nothing to remind of me of painful, hurtful people.Â I also kept maybe a dozen poems and a handful of short stories.Â It felt good.
I have realized of late that I am very skittish and sensitive lately.Â It’s not just the stress of relocating, but last year was a nightmare, what with my Mom falling into this Alzheimer’s pit and my sister dissing me.Â It’s best to walk on eggshells around me, but of course no one remembers.Â So I’m having trust and paranoia issues.Â It’s been rough keeping my head above water, and the dog was a terrible idea in light of that.
I’m trying to forgive myself and not slide into someone awful, because I feel that’s where I’m going on most days.Â Back to the old complaining universe-revolves-around-me self.Â Not where I want to be, because it’s not pleasant.Â I feel very much like I’m swimming upstream and I’m not sure how to change that, like I’m slipping backwards spiritually and I don’t really know why.
Maybe Christianity isn’t enough for me.Â Maybe it needs to be that plus the Path to Perfection, contradictions and all.Â I’m thinking of turning back to that spiritual route.Â If I’m wrong, God will need to fix that but the Christianity I’m learning isn’t enough to keep me on track.
Clear as mud, right?