My day was bad.
Well, ok, in fact, it was not bad. In fact, despite the exhaustion and the nagging “something” in the back of my head/heart, it SHOULD have been a good day. The kids got a bath. They got read to. They got meals a plenty, which they actually ate – a big deal after all the sickness in my house. We played together. TV came off and music TV came on, and I stuck to only 1 movie rule. Lots of laundry not only got done, but actually FOLDED. Beds were made (this is a miracle) and toys were put away, the kitchen never left dirty.
I should feel like this was a successful mommy day. Then Chris and I had a big fight.
But it wasn’t really the fight that’s got me down the toilet bowl tonight. I was in the shower – I went for refuge – and told God off. I haven’t done this since Amelia was a baby. I’m tired of being super-strong, super-this, super-that, because all it’s left me feeling like right now is a total failure. Failed mother. Failed wife. Failed entrepreneur. Failed writer. Failed Christian.
That feels like the sum of me tonight. I can’t even point to any thing that is a standout success in my life. Perhaps here and there, there are some baby accomplishments. Have I finished my novel? How about school? Can Amelia recite numbers, colors, alphabet? How about that potty? Is Zoe over tantrums? Are any of my floors clean? Will I ever get all the laundry folded? How about my office, unpacked yet? New short story done? Pictures hung or printed yet?
My to do list is about a 100 times longer than my “achieved” list. What about dreams? Any of them accomplished? Nope. Nada. None.
I feel like I’m wrong on everything, going the wrong way. I’m trying too hard, then I lay back and don’t try hard enough. God’s Voice used to be so strong, now it’s this teeny tiny whisper that I can barely hear over the static that I’m not sure I interpret correctly.
Got work to do – can’t remember the point. Stories to write – who cares?
We have a mortgage payment, too, looming that we can’t swing – where is God? I’ve had enough of the last ditch, “saved you in the nick of time”. I just want the damn house gone so I can breathe again.
I just want NOT to be so tired all the time, so wrong all the time. I want something to really, truly, honestly WORK – something that I can say, “Yahoo! Such and such went perfectly!” When was the last time I could say that?